The Waiting Game

I've finally managed to recover all the old posts on this blog, before She erased them all.

She being Penny, of course. Hide the evidence. I commented on Ary's blog and She wiped all the posts save a few to prevent her finding out what was happening. If Ariadne found out what was happening to Her, everything would be ruined.

She did not account for me. She's me, I guess, and I'm her, but the fact is at the moment Penny Lancaster is now a puppet for a higher cause. I'm what's left of her, now It's got it's claws (tentacles?) in her head.

The old posts will be going up over the next week, two weeks at the max. Hopefully, all over the next two days, but I'm not in control of my own body most of the time and Penny has examinations to sit.

Ary, I'm really sorry I kept this from you.

--Tiktok

I have to make this fast. I can't post here any more, it's making the ticking get worse and I don't want It to get worse I have to stop it and the less I have to do with this blog the better because it only makes Him angry and he makes the ticking so loud and It hurts It won't stop hurting.

And what's worse is I know other people are getting dragged into this because of me. Ary, please please please stop, you can't do this. Stop before the ticking gets to you too, because once you hear It he is always singing in your ear and it's a song that never stops.

if anyone's reading, I'm not posting any more. If I don't post I don't have lapses and the ticking doesn't get any louder. I'm sorry. I'm a stupid coward, but I have to survive.

-P

I'm having tiktokticktocktick trouble controlling the lapses. stopping myself (stopping Her) until i'm alone tiktoktiktok is becoming more difficult. I haven't lapsed in front of somebody yet but it's only a matter of tiktoktiktoktiktoktime.

hahahahahahahahaha tiktoktiktoktiktoktiktoktiktoktiktoktiktok that was a rather fitting time to have a lapse

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I keep wondering how long it's going to be before I sleep through my alarm and somebody sees the marks before I wash them off. I'm staying up late doing schoolwork and then getting up early and I'm so tiktoktiktok tired. 


tiktoktiktoktiktoktik

okay um I'm kinda really concerned now

there is a massive gap in my memory from about 4.30 yesterday afternoon to just now, when I woke up. massive. over 12 hours. i just checked my homework i got set yesterday, and it's all been done. i'm not hungry, so i've eaten sometime recently. nothing was out of place, so i decided to write it off as just me being forgetful, take a painkiller for my headache, and go back to bed.

then i got a look at myself in the mirror.

there was writing all over my face.

just "tiktoktiktoktiktok" everywhere.

i don't know what to do.

The ticking stopped.

I woke up yesterday and the ticking wasn't there any more. I still heard the ticking in the dream last night. Louder, even, jarring. 

Apart from the ticking, the dream doesn't quite freak me out as much as it used to. The man is almost welcoming, telling me he's glad to see me, he's so happy I'm finally home. It's one of those weirdly realistic dreams. Well, apart from the ticking. It's just this constant tick-tock in my ear.

I saw the man, outside my dream. He was standing outside my window, welcoming me just like always.

He sings to me, such beautiful songs, and I want to go outside, but then I hear the ticking in my ear and I end up rooted to the spot with my heart in my mouth until he leaves.

I'm tired.

he exists. he exists.

I saw him. 

the ticking in my head just keeps getting louder and I'm tired too so I'm really grumpy all the time but at least I know I'm not going crazy now.

mum found about the clocks. she doesn't know it was me. good thing none of them were valuable heirlooms, just crappy alarm clocks and a couple of wall clocks around the house.

fucking ticking.

Oh my god.

I honestly don't know how it happened. I don't even remember doing it.

Last I remember I was just doing my Graphics homework, nice and normal, and I start hearing the ticking again. I ignored it and kept working, and it just kept getting louder and then I have this big gap in my memory from about 11pm to 2am. 

My memory restarts at me standing in the living room by myself, the wall clock on the floor in front of me, smashed beyond repair. I thought. "Oh, that's bloody weird" and went to go back to bed. I walked through the kitchen, and the clock in there was destroyed too.

I went through every room in the house. I even check my mother and brothers rooms. Every single clock had been destroyed.

Was that me?

I think I'm going mad.

I keep hearing ticking and seeing things in the corner of my eye and I keep having that dream and it's not funny any more. Dreams are supposed to be when you're asleep, not when you're awake, but it's escaping, it's not just in my head when I'm asleep now, it's in the world of the waking where it doesn't belong.

It's not just a nightmare any more.

Its been a week and I still don't feel right, not really. I can eat just fine and there's nothing really wrong with me but I feel so tired all the time, which is kinda stupid cause I'm getting more sleep lately than I have in ages, it being the holidays and all. I'm tired and lethargic and I feel like curling up and sleeping forever. I just don't have any motivation to do anything, even though it's the holidays and by all rights I should be hanging out with my friends in the city.

Sometimes I don't know why I even write this thing. I'm just talking to myself in public. It's embarassing.

I think it's just me hearing things, but sometimes I swear I can hear ticking.

I'm sick at the moment- I swear, just when my ankle fixes up I come down with a stomach bug. This is not funny at all. So I'm sitting at home watching Disney movies and trying to do my Bio homework and feeling really crappy crappitty crap. I've stopped hurking up everything I eat, at least, but that's only cause I haven't eaten anything since last night.

I'm so hungry right now I swear I could eat a whale.

Good news- my ankle is feeling a LOT better and should be all fixed in time for performance! I can actually walk without wincing now, although running is a really bad idea, and I've managed to catch up on the stuff I missed out on. Feeling pretty positive right now- I got an internal assessment back today and I got an E as well, so I'm in a pretty good mood right now! Hehe.

I keep having the same dreams. It's weird- I don't normally have recurring dreams, so maybe if this is a reflection of my subconscious mind it's something I haven't solved yet. I really don't understand what it could be though! What does a besuited man who wants to give me a hug and a constant ticking noise got to do with anything? I even got a couple of books on dream interpretation out from the library and couldn't find anything.

Ary says a lot of the stuff in these books is garbage for superstitious people, and if you think about it unless your dreams are just brain vomit full of random-ass shit, you can figure out what your subconscious is rambling about. Her words exactly. Ary's pretty sensible, so I'm trying to take her advice, but I keep getting this feeling that this is important.

I twisted my ankle in rehearsal today. My doctor says to keep my weight off it, which is worrying me a little cause I can't practice the dance parts without putting weight on my leg and we're performing next month. I really hope my foot gets better in time. I've been REALLY looking forward to this and it would be really stupid if I missed out because I tripped over.

I've been feeling kinda off my game lately...just tired, I guess. Same old recurring dream, then hours of just lying awake feeling uneasy.

Today was April Fools day, which isn't really of any consequence cause nobody actually pulled any pranks, which is a waste of a holiday if you ask me! Nobody ever pulls any decent pranks on April fools any more. I miss primary school, we used to put whopee cushions on the teacher's chair when she wasn't looking.

Sigh. Now I have all this homework and it's always a toss up every night between getting lots of work done and feeling proud of myself or getting enough sleep for once. I'm really tired all the time. High school sucks.

Okay, so a little more about my dreams:

I hear this ticking, all the time. Like, all the time! It's so annoying, it really grates on my nerves but it happens the entire time.

There's always this man there. And he's telling me that he's so happy to see me, that he's so glad I've finally come home, he's been waiting for me all these years and he's holding his arms open for me like he wants to give me a hug and I want to, I really want to, but there's voice SCREAMING in my head telling me to stop.

I really can't make any sense of it, hehe.

Whoops. It's been over a week since my first post. I kinda forgot I even made this blog, I've been really busy! It's about halfway through the first term of the school year right now, and I have a lot of homework right now, on top of extracurricular stuff. I'm in the school production with my friend Ariadne, who's my best friend. She's like a sister to me.

I've been really into dream interpretation lately. Ariadne tells me dreams are a reflection of what you subconscious mind is thinking about, and that when you have them you should think about them cause then maybe you'll learn something about your own subconscious, which is pretty funny considering she says she never remembers her dreams!

I never know what to make of my dreams lately though! I can't make ANY sense of them, hehe.

--Penny

Hi!

My name is Penelope L., but I prefer Penny. I'm starting up this blog to put whatever random thoughts on, I guess, and if anyone actually reads it I guess that's an unexpected bonus! :)

--P